Jokes You'll Never Hear At A White House Correspondents' Association Dinner

At least not for four years.

"Sorry I'm late … Louis Caldera was my cabbie and he thought it would be a good idea to drive me by the Statue of Liberty for a photo-op."

"Incidentally, Caldera was also going to be the person who ordered the Navy SEALS to rescue Captain Phillips from the Somali pirates if that had turned out badly."

"In an effort to ensure that any terror suspects killed under orders of the administration is completely legal in the eyes of the president, 'killed terrorists' will now be referred to as 'really late-term abortions.'"

"The White House says that the president had no prior knowledge of that 747 buzzing of Manhattan. Is it really a good idea to entrust our national security to somebody who can't even install The Club on his own jet?"

"This isn't the first time Barack Obama has denied any knowledge of a New York City buzz – the first being the time he smoked a joint with William Ayers at '21.'"

"And I don't know about you, but I sleep better at night knowing that a White House aide can scramble F-16s without anybody else knowing about it. This way, if a war breaks out while Obama's teleprompter is unplugged, somebody can still order planes to bomb New York to appease an enemy like at the end of Fail-Safe."

"If you're wondering why the president is in a good mood, it's because he's glad to be finished with his annual physical
. During his colonoscopy doctors removed two benign polyps and the White House Press Corps."

"Last evening I took a walk through the cemetery – or as ACORN calls it, a 'recruiting trip.'"

"Things are getting weirder and weirder. Barack Obama is now running an auto company, and this morning I read that Lee Iacocca is taking over control of the Black Panthers."

"President Obama said he's going to take care of all Americans just like he takes care of his own family. It's comforting to know that the worst that can happen to us now is ending up homeless in Kenya."

"Michelle Obama is also here tonight. The first lady just taped an episode of 'Sesame Street' but walked off the set after seeing a segment featuring the Count holding photos of Barack's cabinet members and saying, 'Two … two tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah. Three … three tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah …'"

"In closing, I'd like to say thank you to the man who is responsible for all this. I'd like to, but George Soros isn't here tonight. They don't let George and Barack in the same room anymore because the last time they did, Joe Biden got tangled up in the puppet strings."

What Ben & Jerry Should Have Picked For The Obama Ice-Cream Flavor

Raspberry Rezco
Post-Partisan Praline Crunch
Bipartisan Banana Swirl
Triple Chocolate Tax Cheat
Special Mortage Rate Surprise
Bubblegum Blago (ok, not directly Obama related....maybe)
Chocolate Vanilla Swirl
Porkapalooza! A Little Bit Of Every Flavor For Everyone!
Comrade Cherry

Drunken Barstool

How can you NOT drink and drive on this thing? Even going to the bathroom is a moving violation.

Ohio man arrested for drunk driving on a motorized barstool.

Jesus is sitting in a bar...

From PowerLine:

A Republican walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Isn't that Jesus over there?" When the bartender said "Yes," the Republican sent over a drink. "Put it on my tab," he said.

A little later a Libertarian walked in. "Say," he said, "Isn't that Jesus sitting over there?" The barman said, "Yes," so the Libertarian sent over a hamburger.

Presently a Democrat showed up, noticed Jesus and sent over a plate of french fries.

Jesus soon left. On his way out he stopped to talk to the Republican. "Thanks for the drink," he said; "It was really good. Is there anything I can do for you?" "Well," said the Republican, "I'm facing knee surgery..." "Don't say another word," said Jesus as he laid a hand on the man's knee. "You are healed."

Jesus came to the Libertarian and said, "Thanks for the hamburger. It was really good. Is there anything I can do for you?" "Well," said the Libertarian, "I have cataracts..." Jesus placed his fingers on the man's eyes and said, "You are healed."

Finally, Jesus came to the Democrat. He thanked him for the fries and offered him any help he needed. "Don't touch me!" shouted the Democrat, "I'm on Disability!!"

Give Your Computer The Finger

A guy lost a finger, and desided to have a USB key fitted as a prosthesis.


I really hope that the finger comes off. I can't imagine sitting there with my finger shoved into the USB port on my computer. It'd kill my back.

Where the hell is wireless USB when you need it? :-)

Honoring Irving B. Kahn, The Inventor Of The Teleprompter

So this guy has been popping up today as the Inventor Of Obama's Brain:

It was the mid 1950’s and the story goes that Kahn just kind of stumbled upon the idea while working on a project for the U.S. Army. It wasn’t a military project; he was trying to come up with a way to make persuasive presentations to visiting Congressmen.

When the teleprompter was brought into the tv newsroom, it was such a huge success, that Kahn formed the TelePrompTer Company. In 1972, he lost control of the company and founded Broadband Communications.

We do not know if Mr. Kahn, who died in 1994, was fully aware of the fact that he was the creator of the brain of the 44th President of the United States!

No wonder Mr. Obama could not wean himself from his teleprompter! Without it, he is missing a vital organ, namely his brain. What kind of President has no brain? I mean, it’s just like a cigarette: once you’re hooked it’s hard to quit.

I certainly shudder at the thought of the teleprompter going missing in the middle of a crisis. When that 3 am phone call comes in, that teleprompter better be up and running. What kind of President can make a crisis decision without his teleprompter, uh, I mean brain?

If you want see what a mess this country would be in if Mr. President wakes up at 3 am and that red phone is ringing, just watch the following video, and shudder. And get down on your knees and give thanks for Irving B. Kahn; may he rest in peace knowing he has saved our country from having a President with no brain.

Obama and his brain:

Obama Fingers

A German food company is selling Obama branded chicken nuggets: Der Spiegel

My first thought was, since Obama is giving all responsible Americans the finger (Wall Street bailouts, auto-industry bailouts, mortgage bailouts), why not this? Bite it off or something, I guess.

Mayor Daley has a YouTube channel!

You can view his channel here.

As is probably to be expected tho, it looks like you can't leave any comments. At least not any comments critical of him.

I do, however like the way that "sri lanken sex girls" is a related video. :-)

Gaffetastic!!

Let the fun begin!